Do you ever feel distant from the Lord? Have you ever heard someone say, “It’s not God who is distant, it’s you”? It’s a true statement, but do you think those people feel as cheesy as they sound when they say that?
For the last few weeks I have felt as though I sprinted as fast and as far away from God as I possibly could. Now it feels like I am attempting to sprint through peanut butter to get back to Him. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t think I agreed to being here. I’m pretty sure I never said I wanted to feel this way. But I do.
Why does God allow us to go through ups and downs in our relationship with Him? Why does He allow us to experience the mountaintops and the valleys, as we in the Bible Belt like to call them? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I wish I did. I think if I did then feeling this way wouldn’t be so bad.
I’ve never been one who was good at putting my feelings into words. But the Lord has been working on that with me for a long time now. So here goes.
Right now I feel alone. Not in the sense that there aren’t any people around me, because there are. But in the sense that God is not around me. I feel like I am going through the motions of reading my Bible and spending time with Him. I feel like I have not seen or spent time with my best friend in far far too long.
But I don’t know what to do about it.
Right now I feel like I can’t even come before the Lord. I have no desire or motivation to pray for things in my life or even pray for the empowering of the Holy Spirit. My friend put it very poetically– it’s as if I’m so weak that I can barely lift my hand and get out the word, “Help.” But I don’t think that’s it at all. I think, right now, I am feeling so desperate for the Lord that I want a big flashing red sign that says, “HELP!” I want to scream at the Lord at the top of my lungs just to make sure He’ll hear me. I want to truly believe all the truths of God’s Word and quit believing the lies of the enemy. I want to feel the presence of the Lord again. I want to come before Him, face down on the ground because that’s all I’ve got, and lay before Him everything I’m feeling and desiring.
This is my big flashing red “HELP!” sign.
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28