So I had planned on sharing a new blog post about the enneagram test (a personality test I’m kind of obsessed with right now), but something happened a few nights ago that changed my mind and convinced me to save that post for a later date. Living at home in the suburbs with my parents and sister means I don’t have much of a social life these days. So a few nights ago I was laying in my bed watching The Choice (a Nicholas Sparks movie) on Netflix, by myself. If you haven’t seen that movie, or any Nicholas Sparks movie, there’s a sad part that will make you cry. So a few nights ago I was watching The Choice, and I just started sobbing, which is not a common occurrence for me. And then another rare thing happened to me: I felt the Lord speaking to me so clearly and directly (not in an audible voice or anything, but quietly in my heart). I immediately picked up my journal to scribble down what He was saying, and here is what I wrote:
I’m sitting here watching The Choice, and I am just sobbing (probably for the first time in a long time). I started sobbing because the wife is in a really bad car accident and is in a coma (classic Nicholas Sparks. Also, spoiler alert). They continuously show the husband begging his wife to come back to him–he even stays in their house during a hurricane, even after the rest of his family evacuates, because he wants to stay close to the hospital and his wife.
I’m sitting here sobbing, and the only thing I keep thinking over and over is, “I want that. I want a love like that.” Girls watch movies like these because we want to be reminded and reassured that a strong, passionate, unconditional, and unending love actually exists. We watch movies like these to have a renewed hope that we can one day have our own love like that.
As I’m sobbing and thinking “I want that,” I realize that’s not entirely what I want or am longing for. I realize that what I’m ultimately longing for is God. I’m desiring the kind of love that only God can give me. But for so long I have felt unloved by God. I didn’t realize that that was how I was feeling or thinking until recently (see “Oh, How He Loves Us”). A lot of things have factored into me not feeling loved by God, but one in particular stands out to me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a little boy crazy. In high school (and even on into college) I thought my life (or at least those four years) would be made if I just had a boyfriend. If a boy wanted to date me then that would mean I was pretty, funny, fun to be around, wanted, and loved. I was (and still am) totally putting my hope in a boy to make my life perfect, complete. Only now, being in my twenties and constantly surrounded by couples, it’s been taken one step further to putting my hope in marriage. All this time I thought I’ve been longing for a boyfriend (aka future husband), when really I’ve been longing for something so much greater. I thought I was longing for validation from boys, when ultimately I am longing for validation from God. I thought I was longing to be loved by a boy, when really I am longing to be (feel) loved by God.
I still don’t know what it feels like to feel loved by God (or a boy for that matter), but God is slowly peeling back the layers to show me what I am truly finding my identity in. And tonight, while watching a cheesy romantic comedy, God revealed to me that I am finding my identity in my relationship status. I am idolizing the idea of marriage and love because I am making them more ultimate than God. I am hoping for a boy to love me and validate me when I should be looking to God for that.
God so sweetly reminded me that night that the love portrayed in movies, the love I’m longing for, can only be found in Him. And I think God revealing this to me, while crying my eyes out, is really just God showing me His love. Now I have a choice to make: am I going to look to boys for this ultimate, unconditional, unending love, or am I going to look to God?