Writer’s block is 100% a real thing. Even for people who enjoy writing, sometimes the words just don’t come. For the last two months I haven’t really had much of a desire to write, and I really didn’t have anything to write about. Me being the introspective and problem-solving person that I am, I began trying to figure out what was causing this writer’s block. And then it hit me: I usually write about what God is teaching me or things I’m struggling with in my walk with the Lord, but I hadn’t been spending any quality time alone with Him. Which means I wasn’t learning or growing in my walk with Him, hence the writer’s block.
But I’m back! And this time, instead of talking about something God is specifically teaching me right now, I’m talking about boys! If you know anything about me, you know how much fun it is to me to talk about boys–whether it’s about a boy I’m crushing on, a friend’s crush, or a friend’s boyfriend drama, I love it all. To be honest, I don’t have a ton of experience in the dating arena, but I strongly believe that instead of God allowing me to personally experience the awkwardness and potential heartache, He has allowed me to experience it vicariously through my friends and people I know. And some days I’m thankful for that, but some days I just wish God would let me experience it for myself. But this post is less about my experience with boys and more about my experience without boys (aka singleness).
Being twenty-five, living back at home with your parents, living in a city temporarily, and being pretty boy crazy is really difficult to navigate–trust me, I know. It’s so easy to believe lies from the enemy like, “No guy here will ever want to date me because I’m moving to LA. And no guy wants to date a girl that far away.” or “No guy wants to date a girl who lives with her parents.” or “I live in the suburbs, and all the guys my age live in the city, so I will never meet someone here.” Unfortunately, the list goes on and on. In a season when I am most vulnerable and most in need of community, the enemy’s goal is to swoop in and make me feel isolated and unwanted. But God’s Word says that isolated and unwanted are NOT characteristics of me, a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
While being in this season of transition and singleness, I figured now was as good a time as any to actually think about what I want in a relationship and process through what is preventing me from opening myself up in that way. So I wrote out a prayer to the Lord, sharing with Him the desires of my heart and what I’m wanting in my relationship with my (potential) future husband. Here are some of the things I wrote down:
“I long for companionship. I long to be fully known and fully loved…I long to share my innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams with someone without fear of being judged. I long for someone to challenge me to learn, grow, and mature in my relationship with You. I long for someone to point me to Christ and help me become more like You. I long for someone to love me unconditionally and for someone to accept me for my quirks. I long for someone to push me out of my comfort zone, helping me move toward the things that scare me the most. I long for someone who will have patience with my anxieties and insecurities and who will speak Truth into my heart when the lies are speaking louder. I long to be goofy and silly with someone, and I long to grow with someone into the people You’ve created us to be. I long to be in a relationship that is a reflection of Your gospel, a reflection of how You, the Bridegroom, love the Church, Your bride. I long to love and support him and encourage him to be the man You’ve created him to be. I long to glorify You with our relationship and point others to Christ because of it.”
I say that these are the things I desire, and I truly believe that these are the deepest desires of my heart, but there are a few barriers, road blocks, and walls that I have put up that prevent me from entering into a relationship like this.
I began thinking through the reality of being in an incredibly vulnerable relationship like this, and my knee-jerk reaction was fear. Being vulnerable with another person is in my top three scariest things. For someone to know the deepest parts of my heart–the good and the bad–is terrifying. What if he sees my innermost thoughts, feelings, quirks, fears, and it’s too much for him? What if he sees my sin, and he thinks I’m a horrible person? These are real fears that I have that I think have caused me to shut myself off from the potential of dating and eventually getting married (Lord willing). When I first moved back home almost a year ago, my mom told me she thinks I put guys in the friend zone. My first thought was, “Of course I don’t friend zone guys! I’m the one who wants a boyfriend! I’m the one who wants to get married some day! They friend zone me!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right–I am automatically putting guys in the friend zone so they can’t do it to me first, so I remain in control of the situation.
So now that I’ve realized these things about my self and what I want in a relationship, what do I do with this information? I’m not totally sure, to be quite honest. I’m thinking through (if you haven’t noticed yet, I am a textbook over-thinker) and asking friends how to be bolder and put myself out there more. I don’t necessarily know how to flirt or how to drop hints to let a guy know I have feelings for him, because I’ve always been too afraid to let guys know how I feel for fear of rejection. And speaking of practicing boldness, I spontaneously downloaded Bumble, the dating app where girls are the ones to initiate conversations with guys they match with, and I actually messaged someone! We’ve talked a little bit, and if the next step is for us to meet in person, I’m anticipating a whole new set of fears and anxieties to come along with that, but who knows what could happen? Stay tuned!